Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
