it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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