this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
