nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
