but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I need moral support for this bender
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
