You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
