Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
