The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
