they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
