you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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