look no pants
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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