I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
