Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
