Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
