piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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