every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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