I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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