Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
