i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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