I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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