I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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