He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
