I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
