So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
