She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
