Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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