she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
