Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
