stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
