We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
