Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
