My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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