I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
