I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When did angry sex become our thing?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
