Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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