Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
