I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
