sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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