I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
