i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
