Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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