my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I can't put those talents on a resume
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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