As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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