if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
