saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Randomize
