Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
