Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
