woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
