Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
