he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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