Moan for me like Helen Keller
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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