Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
